Played 26, Won 16, Drew 1, Lost 9

In a world without heroes, a land without shame, a century without hope, there remains but a single battlefield on which valour, honour and decency are rewarded with glory: the Fives court. And, by God, there was glory this season. As usual, we were better than everyone: better read, better spoken, better dressed. Not always better Fives players, but then that's never been the point of the game, as you know if you yourself gave up the vanity of football and the wanton brutality of 'water' to take up this sport so subtle and refined that men have truthfully said: "It's just brain surgery with thicker gloves".

The Old Wets field teams in the second and third divisions of the most competitive Eton Fives league in the world. We are amateurs only in the sense that our endeavours are not sullied by cash reward – for our remuneration lies purely in the misery of our defeated opponents. And yet though we are a great team, we are an ageing team. If you ever played the game to any sort of level, if you believe the only good Etonian is a jailed Etonian, and if you like the idea of swearing so loud in the shadow of the Abbey on a Tuesday night that Edward the Confessor himself comes out to see what all the fuss is about, then it's time you joined the Fives team.

G.R.P.C

Westminster - A critique by Giles Coren
Created 14th January by Mike Fenn
efa@etonfives.co.uk

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